Keep searching BUt never find It

I’m used to this cold climate now , I don’t miss the hot summers of Chennai anymore, Living in this part of the globe I have gone round the sun eight times now. Eight years of occasional phone calls from my parents asking me to return home soon and though they know I wont come back that place. Very few things put smile back on my face that includes call from my best pal and other friends who wants a free stay in my place when they land here as accommodation is still a costly affair here in Switzerland.
 
It was a sudden but firm decision, I never had to repent for it or never will I. It still feels like yesterday, she saying “Bye Mano this will be our final meeting my dad has found me a person who earns more than you and this will be our last meeting” and for the next few months tears were my best friend. It still feels like yesterday, the day I woke up deciding I need to break away from my past, the past filled with her memories a past haunting my future. I packed up my bag and landed in this place truly this is paradise on earth. Eight years have gone and my life in exile is going good , learned a few languages made new friends and I was careful with love this time though there was nothing left to break inside me. I lost contact with the world , the world that was around me when I was in Chennai , my friends, my family my everything now it feels like they too have thrown me out of their world. To speak the truth I was running away from the truth, the truth which I will never be able to take , something which I cant even dream / think of , she marrying someone else. So I sealed off myself from the truth packed my bags and came to this paradise. I have made this imaginary world of mine so strong that no news from my old world can leak into this place neither my existence is known to them.

The morning was cold as usual, I can hear the streams and the birds actively doing there work , I have never seen the sun active here unlike Chennai where he wont mind to do a little Over time and make everyone do weird rituals to bring rain in time. “Bonjour” I knew that was my neighbor, a Fat short English Gentleman with his Funny “French” accent has never failed to put a smile on my face every time I hear him. I tried to teach him my language but only to find I still loved my language a lot and cant stand it being getting damaged by my neighbor. I wished him good morning and continued my walk.


The snow clad mountains still amuse me a lot but still there was a vacant place in my heart that wanted to dip its feet in the waves of the worlds 2nd longest beach. How the heart works? Leave others heart, how MY heart works? I don’t know. Sometimes it searches for things it wants to forget, it cries to have things which doesn’t belong to it , trying to catch it hard knowing it’s a dream. My heart at times has pushed me to an extent of making me type “ Where is my girlfriend” “where are you my dear” in Google and click the search icon, showing me 1000’s of unwanted pages. Well I don’t blame Google (neither can I blame them for the stupidity that’s inside me making me do this) But thanks to HER , though she’s gone long back think I still have a lot of Her left it me.

This is the first party I’m attending in this place. My neighbor has insisted me so much that I wad to move out of my house that evening . I was greeted by many warm little electric lamps flickering as if they too are fed up of the cold weather. The main hall was filled with people which made the place little more warmer. I was able to hear all the four national languages of the county at the same place but I look only interest in French and dint understand what the others spoke of. I took my glass of rum and went around the place and my hosts Funny French accent was making me smile where I was in the house. Think I was too much addicted to my solitude that I soon found a place away from the crowd. My eyes soon caught an young couple walking towards me , they both soon crossed me and went next to the window. There was no doubt that they were in love and the guy looked pretty depressed and the girl quickly jumped into action she smooched him for the next two min and made a smile grow in his sad face. I smiled at myself something inside me woke up again , yes it is my heart it wanted HER , here, next to me just like those young couple hugging each other consoling each other, being there for each other. I too wanted a smile to grow in my face , but soon reality woke me up and reminded me that SHE is gone , gone to make someone happy the same way I saw. Tears roll down my cheeks and I walked out of the place.

My heart was searching for HER again. Now it understood clearly how my heart works , I see two halves of it one which wants to run away from reality and the other which wants to be there in the same. Its an unending Indo-Pak war between the two and I had to do something were both are in control, I had to say to myself “ I’ll keep searching for HER but never find HER ever cos I cant stand the truth”

Let my dad DRINK

Every time my dad walks into the house my mom starts to shout at him, I found no wrong with my mom may be she is right, dad used to drink daily and that was the source of all the quarrels between them. 

Though dad used to keep quiet most of the time he too looses temper at times and his argument was mom never maintains the house neat. Yes he was right I find it dirty all the time, things scattered everywhere .It looked like jumbled words of the worse kind how much ever I used to try to put things in its place soon it was scattered .Mom keeps crying all day scolding dad “ That’s it I had enough , today I will teach him a lesson if he is gonna enter the house again drunk I’m gonna kill myself and write a letter against him” words that used to scare me a lot . Though the day never came , both of them lived quarrelling throughout their lives , but it left a deep impact in my life.


Times changed and I was in college and when people forced me for a drink my mom’s tears came in front of me I didn’t want that so I say a humble no to all around me. Even my farewell party was a non alcoholic one except I had a great time with my girl friend still can’t forget that night.

They say Time and tide wait for none , think it should have been this way “ time , tide and girls wait for none” . She was not in a mood to wait for me a couple of years more I would have been what she wanted both in society and in bank balance , but as I said she didn’t want to wait for me. I had to see her depart happily with someone who met her recommendations.

Two years had passed , and it was my time I should say , I too met some girls specifications and now I have a family. A home where Im expected to start from every morning and have to give a hourly update about my whereabouts and most importantly have to keep on basic rule in mind. “ the doors will be shut sharp at 10 every night”. Mostly it was a race against time both in the morning and in the night a small lie will satisfy my boss but not my wife have to face a detailed enquiry every time I reach after the clock strikes 10. 

I was getting locked in a clock , I needed someone who could give me company without a question I was carving for that person by my side everyday. Soon I met him, that wonderful I should say stared off with a very bad incident of me meeting my ex-girl friend , I don’t know what she means to me now and what was between us now but truly it did hurt a lot . my friend was able to understand that I was going through inside and pulled my had “ come I’ll take you to a place im sure you will like it” .

We entered a bar , this time I was in no mood to listen to the words from my inner soul. I drank a lot I started to like this new friend he gives me company everyday no questions he asks me , he gives me a good sleep im not worried about the clock now. Quarrel between me and my wife became a usual event , and I was able to see my house not kept neat. I don’t know what she will be doing in home now , may be she is praying to god I should stop drinking , but I don’t want God to change her and make her a better wife cos im enjoying every moment with my friend.


Last day I entered my home heavily drink as usual she started weeping and I kept my cool and headed straight into our bed room. My little son came slowly to me and held my hands in his small palm his eyes were filled with tears when he said” daddy why do you drink everyday? Mummy is crying daily cant u stop drinking?” It reminded me of my childhood , same questions what I asked my dad once for which I never got an answer, but for which I know the answer now I took my son in my arms and said “ I don’t have an answer with me dear son, but soon you will understand yourself” and put him to bed.

For a sec I saw my dad before me all the while I used to scold him within me for behaving very badly everyday with mom and me. Now I can see it , though I don’t know what problems he had? how lonely he must have felt ? he too needed a friend and found the same wat I found. 

“let my dad Drink”